Because I am lazy white guy, stolen (like our land from the First Peoples) from FightingIllini.com, except where noted....
Illinois (0-0) vs. UAB (0-0)
Date | Time Thursday, Sept. 3 | 8 p.m. CT
Location Champaign, Ill. (Gies Memorial Stadium) {TURN BACK FROM DRIVING TO BIRMINGHAM, JUDGE JUDY!}
TV Big Ten Network
Radio Busey Bank Illini Sports Network | Listen | SiriusXM (175/231) | SXM App (955)
CHAMPAIGN, Ill. — Illinois opens its 137th season of {MOSTLY CRAPPY} football on Thursday, Sept. 3 under the lights at Gies Memorial Stadium against UAB. The opener will air live on Big Ten Network at 8 p.m. CT.
Illinois looks to continue its momentum of its last two seasons, when the Illini put up a program-record 19 wins and back-to-back 9+-win seasons for the first time in program history. Head coach Bret Bielema had led Illinois to the fourth-best record in the Big Ten since 2024, including a program-record 12 wins at Gies Memorial Stadium over the last two seasons.
Thursday will be the first-ever meeting between Illinois and UAB on the football field. The Blazers are led by first-year head coach Alex Mortensen and returning quarterback Ryder Burton, who threw for 708 yards and seven touchdowns in nine games (two starts last season). UAB is coming off a 4-8 season in 2025, which was highlighted by an upset win over #22 Memphis on Oct. 18, 2025 in Burton's first start.
Mark Followill (play-by-play), Rhett Lewis (analyst), and Caroline Hendershot (reporter) have the television broadcast on Big Ten Network {HAVE NO CLUE WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE}. The Busey Bank Illini Sports Network has the radio call with Brian Barnhart (play-by-play), Carey Davis (analyst), and Kevin Mitchell (sideline).
New Traffic Patterns {THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THIS WILL NOT BE A TRAINWRECK}
The University of Illinois Division of Public Safety and the Division of Intercollegiate Athletics (DIA) will implement a lot-specific traffic-routing system for the 2026 Illinois football season. The new routes are designed to ease traffic as much as possible, but fans are encouraged to arrive earlier than usual and review their designated gameday parking route on the Illinois Football 2026 Parking Updates website in advance.
Notes
Stacking Wins
• Illinois ranks fourth in the Big Ten - behind only Indiana, Ohio State, and Oregon - in four major categories over the last two seasons: winning percentage (.731), ranked wins (6), home wins (12), and Power-4 wins (15) {INDIANA GOLDEN ERA BETTER THAN OUR GOLDEN ERA!}.
• Illinois had six ranked wins over the last two seasons, including five AP-ranked wins (Tennessee was ranked #23 by the coaches but unranked in the AP at last year's Music City Bowl), the fourth-most ranked wins in the Big Ten.
• Illinois had 15 Power-4 wins over the last two seasons, fourth Big Ten behind only Ohio State (21), Indiana (21), and Oregon (20).
• Illinois set the program record for the most wins at Gies Memorial Stadium over a two-year period (12). The Illini went 12-2 at home over the last two years with 6-1 records at home in back-to-back seasons.
• Illinois went 19-7 from 2024-25, including 15 Power-4 wins, 11 Big Ten wins, and wins over teams from every other Power-4 conference: the SEC (vs Tennessee, 2025; vs. South Carolina, 2024), the ACC (at Duke, 2025), and the Big XII (Kansas, 2024).
• Illinois was one of 15 teams to have consecutive 9+-win seasons in 2024 and 2025, along with Alabama, BYU, Duke, Georgia, Indiana, Louisville, Miami (Fla.), Notre Dame, Ohio State, Ole Miss, Oregon, SMU, TCU, and Texas.
• Illinois was 6-4 against ranked teams and 13-3 against unranked teams over the last two seasons. {GOLDEN ERA!}
• Illinois is looking to be postseason eligible for a third straight season, a feat the program has not achieved since 1992. {MAY BE THE BRONZE ERA!}
• Illinois takes a nine-game nonconference winning streak into the 2026 season. The Illini were 8-0 against nonconference opponents over the last two seasons.
On the Rise
• Illinois set the program record for the most wins over a two-year period with 19 from 2024-25.
• Illinois had back-to-back 9+-win seasons for the first time in program history with 10 wins in 2024 and nine in 2025.
• Illinois had 37 wins over the last five seasons (2021-25), tied for its most wins over a five-year period since 1901-05. {LOOKING LIKE HAL MISSED THE TRUE ILLINI FOOTBALL GOLDEN ERA!}
• Illinois had 32 wins over the last four seasons (2022-25), tied for its most wins over a four-year period since 1900-03. {WE KICKED ASS BACK IN 1900!}
• Illinois had 8+ wins three times in a four-year span for the first time since 1901-04.
• Illinois set the program record for the most wins at Gies Memorial Stadium over a two-year period (12). The Illini are 12-2 at home over the last two years (6-1 each season).
Head Coach Bret Bielema {HE'S TRASH FOR THROWING LOVIE'S PLAYERS UNDER THE BUS!}
• Bret Bielema is 37-26 during his Illinois career. His .581 winning percentage is the second-best in Illinois history among head coaches that have coached at least 50 games for the Fighting Illini.
• Bielema set the program record for wins in a head coach's first five seasons. Bielema won 37 games during his first five seasons at Illinois, passing Mike White's 34 wins from 1980-84.
• Bielema is the first head coach in Illinois history to win 9+ games twice and win 8+ games three times.
• Illinois won 23 Big Ten Conference games in Bret Bielema's first five seasons at Illinois. It is Illinois' most Big Ten wins in a five-year period since also winning 23 Big Ten games from 1990-94. {HOW MANY GOLDEN ERAS CAN WE HAVE?}
• Bielema has eight ranked wins as Illinois head coach, tied for the second-most in program history. {QUITE THE INDICTMENT OF THE PROGRAM}
• Bielema is 8-9 against ranked teams as Illinois head coach. His .470 winning percentage against ranked teams is the second-best in Illinois history, behind only John Mackovic (8-8, .500). (rankings include AP, Coaches, and CFP polls)
• Bielema is the first head coach in Illinois history to win 5+ games in each of his first five seasons in Champaign.
• Bielema's five road/neutral ranked wins (AP/Coaches/CFP) are the most of any coach in Illini history during his first five seasons in Champaign (2021 Penn State, 2021 Minnesota, 2024 Nebraska, 2024 South Carolina, 2025 Tennessee).
• Bielema's 11 Big Ten road wins are tied with Mike White for the most by an Illinois head coach during his first five seasons.
• Since Bielema's arrival for the 2021 season, Illinois' 14 wins as an underdog are the most in the Big Ten, according to data compiled by TeamRankings.com. The Illini's .424 winning percentage as an underdog (14-19) is the second-best in the Big Ten behind only Michigan's .438 (7-9) mark. {RIP TO THE JIMMY THE GREEK BIT!}
• Bielema tied the Illinois record for most bowl victories (2) during this year's Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl. Prior to Bielema, only Ray Eliot (1947 Rose, 1952 Rose) had won two bowl games as the head coach at Illinois. {ANOTHER GOLDERN ERA!!!!}
• Bielema tied the Illinois record for most bowls coached during last year's Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl.
In the Rankings
• Illinois opened the season receiving votes in both the Coaches Poll and AP Top 25. The Illini are four spots out of the Coaches Poll and eight spots out of the AP Top 25.
• Illinois finished the 2025 season ranked #25 in the US LBM Coaches Poll. The Illini were one spot out of the AP Top 25.
• Illinois finished ranked in back-to-back seasons for the first time since 1989-90.
• Illinois went 6-4 against ranked opponents over the last two seasons (2024-25). From the 2008 Rose Bowl game through the 2023 season, Illinois went 5-41 against ranked teams and two of those wins were under Bielema in 2021 (at #7/8 Penn State; at #20 Minnesota). {5-41? DAMN IS THAT A SUCK ASS STAT}
Mr. Roberts, what will the weather be in Champaign, Thursday night?
Babe Ruth and I are too busy getting to "know" Dolly Parton to fuck around with you today. Straight to the forecast:
Tailgating 94°
RealFeel® 104°
RealFeel Shade™ 97°
Mostly sunny and hot
Heat Advisory 1:00 PM Tuesday - 7:00 PM Thursday
Wind SW 5 mph
Wind Gusts 16 mph
Humidity 50%
Dew Point 70°
Probability of Precipitation 25%
Precipitation 0.00 in
Cloud Cover 14%
Visibility 10 mi
Game time - it will still be really hot!
8:00 PM: 84°F, Clear (Feel like 91°F)
Probability of Precipitation 5 %
Precipitation Amount 0 in
Cloud Cover 20 %
Dew Point 73 °F
Humidity 70 %
Wind 3 mph SSE
Pressure 29.90 in
Post Game Tailgate 74°
RealFeel® 79°
Mainly clear and humid
Wind SSE 1 mph
Wind Gusts 4 mph
Humidity 81%
Dew Point 71°
Probability of Precipitation 12%
Precipitation 0.00 in
Cloud Cover 18%
Visibility 10 mi
Sun & Moon
Sun Set 7:22 PM
Waning Gibbous Moon
Rise 10:46 PM
Set 2:52 PM
New segment! Tempo's Fantasy/Gambling/Life Tips Corner.
Presented this week by Wally's, Home of the Great American Road Trip. Inconveniently located on I-55 in Pontiac. Great Service, Tasty Food, Clean Restrooms, and Unexpected Necessities. At Wally’s, Details Are Our Duty:
• 20 women’s stalls
• 10 men’s stalls/11 urinals {JASN88CUB SEAL OF APPROVAL!}
• Full-time facilities manager
• Sanitizer at every stall
• Family friendly restrooms
• Carving station
• Gourmet coffee & beverage bar
• Beef jerky bar
• Sweet treats
• Popcorn station
• Our own branded beer!
{Yes, I have had their light beer. Not too bad! Would buy again! I would not buy the spicy popcorn again, though}
Located at 1 Holiday Road, Pontiac, Illinois 61764 - OPEN 24 HOURS!
With a cannabis dispensary right across the street!
Now, over to Tempo!
Hello HQ2 Trump Warmongers and Corporate Democrats! Justin Fields should be your QB1 in any fantasy draft. Just look at Justin Field's preseason stats:
CMP ATT CMP% YDS AVG TD INT LNG SACK RTG CAR YDS AVG TD LNG
9 12 75.0 64 5.3 0 0 15 2 86.8 1 15 15.0 0 15
Bet everything on the US in the upcoming Trump Cup golf match!
Very exciting segment, Tempo! Looking forward to 11 more weeks (or more, with a bowl game!) of content from you.
Another new segment! ThePAOTCTheyThemHeHer Lot 46 Tailgate Details (DM me here if you want to sponsor the tailgate!)
Going with a fella from the local dog park who is an Illini. He has not decided, but I suggested that in lieu of cooking we grab small specialty pizzas on our way down from Old Orchard Lanes in Savoy (Dave Portnoy approved!) for our tailgate. If he does not want that, I have no clue what to cook, but we will have plenty of carbs! I do have a case of Stella, which I usually do not drink, and a bunch of Spotted Cow. Will need to bring some water to keep hydrated and Coke Zero for the late post-game drive home!
Go Illini.
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